Good Novel Nice Balance of Humor and Seriousness
Another gem, honestly there’ nothing bad I can say about it except I need more??- chap 72
5 stars cause even though all it is, is him having sex with his adoptive mother and his sister lusting after him: it's good. The sex is good and that's all this novel is. So if you like a MC having hot sex with his beautiful mom this is for you. There is pretty much nothing you can spoil in this novel.
Yeah the mc have countless swords, but not enough brain cells to use them. Seriously, the guy switches out for a weaker sword when he is fighting someone a higher realm than him. I get it that you want to act cool and all but dude you are risking your live here. Sometimes, I actually think the mc is a six-year old and is not a 30-something uncle that had transmigrated.
Haven't read it yet, just the synopsis and your review, and it seems interesting, although i enjoyed your last work, the only problem that might be would be the grammar but it was readable so this should be too, so hey why the hell not 5 stars right ?
Even if the magic concept of this story is good, the author does not have a good grasp of his story. Details are explained after the fact. A timeline constructed before writing would help the author to have a better grasp of his narration
Super thrill story. Why she was committed suicide? When will Mei reveal her sister innocence. How is behind her death. Why main lead has no feelings for her wife. He does not have any guilty feelings.
NOTE THIS REVIEW DOES NOT STATE THE ACTUAL RATING AS IM NOT UPDATING IT AGAIN
*This was a contructive feedback review to improve the authors writing and book, it will likely be different than what is stated if the author has fixed things*
You need to read over your chapters more before u publish them. You are missing a lot of places where commas should be. There are lot of places where there are pauses, but it keeps going.
Ex) C1 there was "but I call it home which" Should be a comma before which as it pauses when u speak it out loud. Try to speak in your mind or quietly as u check for edits.
You also need to put space (enters) before new thoughts as sometimes it is not put.
Ex) C2 first page the character put a thought. As this is a novel, you should enter a space after that sentance you put as it is a new thought, meaning new paragraph. If you must put stuff before thoughts or phrases use commas to connect the sentence and sperate setences, as it will usually create a new thought.
Make your sentences smaller, from C2 onwards, some of the paragraphs were one block of sentance creating like 7-10 lines on my phone. If you must use them, do it only like once a chapter as readers do not like reading them.
I have no idea what The Grudge is and Im sure others have theproblem too. I would do [1] after and explain it later in the author notes.
I only read 5 chapters in so didnt complete it but the review has enough by now. Make sure to add more of the 5 senses you are writing first person, its suffering isekai effect where everything is becoming too 2D. This is why a lot of popular books are third person, hard to write first person for long stories.
Also MC's reactions aren't realistic enough. Describe what hes feeling more and add stuff into his speaking like when he screamed, for example "St-Stop!! Please!..."
Make paragraphs shorter and make sure to add commas. Would try to add some more emotions too in your old chaps before you get too far into it. Make it more realistic too, MC wouldn't think about why he is not noticng the spageti when a perfectly normal citizen is being kidnapped in a dark alley way.
Also last one is just preference but I think you should change Ewan's name. It sounds like it was too forced to make up a fantasy name, or at least explain where it originates from. Lastly try to read past comments once in a while, you don't want to leave your fans/readers nothing when they ask questions or something.
You should also explain the college a bit more as most dorms will make u sign a contract or agreement, the couple wouldve been kicked out a long time ago.
Also for the chat group, you might want to make bigger plot as logically there wouldnt be one chat group as police can easily inflatrate by betrayers, maybe rephrase the words thay way it can still do the direction u want but mode plot more protected so readers wont think of things like I just did, so plot proof
This is a high school series focusing an a teenage boy (presumably) who becomes the manager of an idol club in his elite school. This appears to be a comedy using a particular type of Japanese joke called a tsukkomi (a one-person tsukkomi at that), but they fall flat. This presumably occurs in Japan, and I am not sure what the era it is. The technology appears to be at a low level, so maybe later in the 1900s? People have purple, blue, or black hair, but no explanation has been given for this. I don't know if that's the natural colors in the world, if magic exists, if hair dye is popular, or if everyone is wearing wigs.
If you have never read or watched any series featuring Japanese idols, you will be completely lost while reading this and may want to do some research before trying this series. In real life, groups such as AKB48, SMAP, Arashi, and many others are famous. These groups feature boys or girls as young as elementary schoolers dancing and singing in groups to a choreography and wearing costumes for their events. They also have strict training for fitness and appearances, and an individual member can be replaced at any time. They have harsh training for dancing and singing, both individually and as a group. They have strict rules about their personal lives, including not having any romantic relationships, having to present designed personalities to the public, being unable to show they are stressed if out in public, etc. They often have to pay for several of their own fees and receive little income doing this work. They may only be notified of a job the night before an event and are expected to work when ill. They may not receive any vacations. There aren't any unions to protect their rights either. Aside from performances, they also have to post vlogs and the like showing their designated personalities in order to get likes, participate in variety shows, and have hand-shaking and signing venues. They work hard to become famous and compete with each other, even though it's only a temporary thing. There are a lot of other critiques about them, such as promoting underage girls as objects of sexual fantasy, but I won't go into that here.
That's roughly how idol groups work today in our world in Japan based on my understanding of them. However, this series treats blue and purple hair as natural, and the time and place are not revealed. One character is eventually described as Japanese, but the setting isn't necessarily Japan. Since the MC expects to make money from this, I'm guessing things are different there.
The story could improve drastically if the setting were clarified early in the beginning. There is no world background.
There isn't much development to the story. Rather than reading a story itself, it feels more like I'm reading the detailed outline to a story. There is no meat to go with the bones of the plot or fill it in, which makes the pacing quite fast.
There isn't any imagery.
There isn't any character depth and aren't any character-establishing moments either. The MC is stressed. One of the wanna-be idols is optimistic. That's about all there is for readers to know about them thus far. As such, there obviously isn't any character development either. There are no training montages as the girls suffer through training and making their own music. When reading the series, this group gives me more of an impression of a band rather than an idol group, and they sound like they would fit that career much better.
There are a number of logical errors as well, even going back so far as the initial setting. The MC says he's "poor," but this is only told rather than shown. Why did he enter such a costly school if he was concerned about money? Why isn't he working part-time or doing odd jobs for money? How is he able to afford to eat a full meal every day? Is he using community showers to save on expenses? Does his family keep the heat off in winter and AC off in summer to save on costs? Is he wearing worn second-hand clothing? No explanation is given, and none of this is described. The MC strongly gives the impression that he doesn't know what true poverty is.
There is definite wealth-shaming, by the way. Other series have race-shaming, fat-shaming, or privilege shaming, and now we have wealth-shaming, too. If he didn't want to be near people who live more comfortable lives, then why did he choose a high school like this one?
Why did these people want to live the highly-scrutinized, controlled lives of idols? It's a mystery. Although the MC wants money, this is definitely not how to earn it.
At one point, the idols enter a competition. I can't see why established groups would bother with newbs like them, and the competition format doesn't make sense at all. For some reason, it's portrayed as a format used for martial arts tournaments and sports when idols are only focused on popularity. It's a show, so wouldn't it make sense to have all the groups perform in an established order to show off and let people submit cards voting for their favorites at the end? With better technology, they could vote electronically. When drawing numbers, what's the point of each person drawing a number from a box unless it's to give a show? These managers are incredibly busy, so they likely wouldn't sit around waiting for things to happen. If the draw is being filmed, then that could add some ******* for the event, but that's all. It would make sense to announce each group on a board as the lineup is established.
There are distracting grammar errors throughout the chapters, but the worst of it is in the first two chapters. The first chapter is mostly in present tense while the second chapter is mostly in past tense. One tense needs to be used consistently. The text is mostly in first and second person. I'm not sure why the narrator is using second-person in a story like this. It's not like readers are seeing his diary entries. Even though this series is mostly written in first person, it spontaneously has chapters in third person or with a narrator change readers don't know about. Literature featuring first-person narratives usually have one main character with a limited perspective on events. Third-person narratives can easily incorporate other characters to change the point of view, but first-person cannot do that. The only series I can think of which changes the first-person perspective from one person to another is Animorphs, and each character's name is listed at the top of each chapter. This fic doesn't tell you the narrator has changed until the end of the chapter when you've already completely changed how you view one character. This issue alone is very confusing.
Other common grammar errors include not spelling out numbers less than 100, improper use of commas, using similar-sounding words instead of the appropriate words (ex. exemption rather than exception), incorrectly worded common phrases, incomplete sentences, using the wrong prepositions, and improper capitalization. Just using a spell-check and grammar-checking program like MS Word would make for a drastic improvement.
In short, this story needs a lot of work and development. Ideas and concepts need to be expanded on because the readers cannot read the writer's mind.
If this story gets dropped QI really has some problems with their system...
Its bad enough a bunch of gems don't even get to get voted for.
As for Review:
Fun characters, with interesting background story with surprising a great plot that slowly reveals itself.
The book is great and I would really read it.
Guys don't judge the story by its cover, it is a really good story with all the description needed to understand what's going on. The plot is also good...... you should really try it.