I really think this story has so much potential. I like it so far. I think if the author could improve a few things, it would be more appealing to readers. First of all, the tenses need to be unified, either past or present. Some editing needs to be done as there are many grammatical mistakes. I think there should be more character development, maybe backgrounds, goals, motivation. Something that kinda bothered me was the fact that the author uses both first and last name every time he talks about a characters. I think one is enough, also descriptions are lacking. Great work though, I am sure you will improve with time!! Gambatte kudasai!!