The 3rd person is very prominent and makes this extremely difficult to read. Basically every line starts with the characters name and then proceeds to explain what that character does or says. It is almost similar to reading a script. The grammar is also just generally not great, though that can be improved. My main critisizism is the way the story is told to you instead of you experiencing. It's like this character did this and said that and felt that way. The writing should express that, but leave some room for interpretation instead of being so closed. Hope my ramblings make some sense, this is intended to be constrcutive not cruel.
