First off, I would like to say that it's, more or less, an enjoyable story. It has great writing, great grammar, great flow—essentially a recipe to a good story.What's not good about this story, however, is the story and characters.I'm gonna be blunt. It just comes off as a wish fulfillment story. The main character has almost everything going perfect for him. And not only does everything go perfect for him, he IS the perfect person, amazingly intelligent, fit, nice etc. . . And don't get me even started on the system . . .Please, when writing about events, talk about the conflicts. Talk about why it's hard, why it's bad, what went wrong. You need to provide a contrasting texture to the parts of the story where things go wrong. Through events where things go wrong, we can then get character development and an interesting story.I'll illustrate what I mean a bit clearer using examples in the story. So, you have Jay stay in the rehab center (I think? Apologies if I'm using the wrong term). He decides to exercise every day. Great. Somehow, over six months he becomes incredibly and completely ripped due to his very rigorous exercise regime. Is this a thing that any person can do easily? No. It's a very unrealistic event, otherwise we'd see people like that every day. And doing it in six months is bordering on the absurd.When writing about unrealistic events, you have to make it clear why this works and is realistic in your story. Talk about how hard it is for him every day, and why your character in particular is able to go through this; he has strong willpower, is goal oriented, or very motivated? If yes, why is that so? SHOW that through the story then—don't just tell us that he has those characteristics in a list and directly to the reader. Then, try to illustrate through those events how much effort he puts into it. You basically sum up his entire effort in a few sentences AND he has no emotional reaction to achieving such a difficult thing. That's bad. He achieves what most human take years to do in six months and he doesn't seem to care (starting from ****** rehab). And I know you have the system as an excuse for this, but that simply makes for a cheap story (and still doesn't SHOW his emotional strengths in handling the pain). Don't use it as a crutch to explain away bad writing, but as a way to make your story better.My other big issue is the character. Don't have him perfect. Please. When essentially everything he gets is through no effort that is shown (yes I repeat the word 'show' a lot—it's very important in writing) it feels very unjustified and cheap. Try to take away some things from him. Does he have to be 6'4
