Idea of the story is intriguing but the English really diminishes the quality significantly. What's more, there's way too much dialogue and the fact that exposition is not used to describe what is going on also makes it a pain to read.
If your character is tired, then describe how he is tired, not say "*in a tired voice*" and be done with it, that's just lazy and unprofessional.
There's also no indication of who is speaking most of the time so you're left wondering who is talking and the lack of exposition also makes the characters look boring. I'm here to read a story, not to uncover the mysteries of what you're writing. If I have to spend extra effort to understand what you're writing, then I might as well not read it.
