Your story holds potential. I can see that you have a very clear image in your head of how your story looks and plays out, but due to a lack of rhythm in your writing, a protagonist that could be better developed, and repeated grammar and sentence structure mistakes, it fails to come across.
Overall, I believe you can get there. You just have to keep practicing. You might want to consider hiring an editor, a least until your English improves.
I wish you the best of luck!