I can see multiple problem on your story1/the story is very rushed there are multiple times skip in one chapter which removes anytime that allows you to build the world, the character et cetera.2/My second problem, the character building is non-existent even the romance is rushed .3/There is no world building The world existence I want to go from a to b that's all.4/very poor magic system Everyone has an element and you go from 0 to 9 cultivation style If you're add some of magical element from Harry Potter, the quality of the story improve a lot.5/and finally there is no core concept in the story What is the reason behind his existence? What is his goal? from what I see the protagonist only want to become stronger For the sake of being strong, he neither had an ambition or goal that make him want to be stronger is for the sake of being strong that’s all. example for goals that you can put behind your protagonist wanting to know from where comes magic /wanted to discover and research magic/ Rolling the magical world /improving the magic world , et cetera and these are simple goals You can be creative. You can add an enemy From his past and don’t make the protagonist overpowered Because if he is overpowered the story will become boring with no struggle no excitement that’s all for me.
