Have you ever thought of vanishing altogether at once? Leaving everything behind in a single flick. The problems you have, the emotions you endured, the loneliness ending. I'm a bit curious as to how it occurs. When you felt the air leaving out of your lungs and you lost all the consciousness of the world you reside in, will you be sent in pure nothingness? Will you be brought by a grim reaper, in his black suit and manly, charming face you'll be glad you died just to see this man and be brought to either heaven or hell? Will you be reincarnated as another thing, say a rock or some new form of weed, depending on how you lived your previous life? Or the you will be erased in this whole universe that even a speck of dust would matter than you do?
When I'm lost in this sort of thoughts, I force myself to come back to reality. My rational self keep on telling my other self that suicide is plain stupid. You even fought in a debate one time on how stupid it is, Clyde. But it just pops up. I don't really know as to why either. All I know is it must've lingered long ago and it was triggered once again.
Each passing day, I think of it and each passing day, I'm fighting it.
Today, I thought of writing about the past in tremendous detail. Maybe, just maybe, in the journey of writing the narrative, I will be able to feel happy, contented or accepted. I don't really know. I don't know if this will rise me from the surface of depression. This is all I'm good at--writing, and this is the only way I could think of to help me cope up with the burden of sadness.
And as best as I can, I'll try writing electronically because writing them in a piece of paper feels like I was writing the last essay of my life.
"So, what fandoms do you have?" I remembered that was the first question asked by these kids to me. I'm already 18 years old at that time, way too old for to enter college and get a bachelor's degree. Everybody else was either 16 or 17 and because of my huge statute, people thought I was pregnant of this non-existent child that's why I stopped for 2 years. Residing in the world full of prejudice and judgments, that was expected. Filipinos are renowned for watching too much dramas in their lives, insisting that the plots they've watched applies to every situation in the world there is.
"Yellowcard, Blink-182, MCR, P!ATD, Mayday Pa-"
"What is that?" She blinked in confusion. Obviously this incredibly tall kid have been living her life surrounded by boybands and girly stuff. She had her lips tinted with red and her brows shaved completely clean. It would've been nice if she didn't have acne all over.
"Rockbands. Just what in the world are you into?
