Though I have a few bits to criticize, it's good so far.The first, and most important, is that all the dialogue sounds like the same person. It helps a lot with fleshing out a character to give them a unique voice. It doesn't have to be as large a change as Yoda or as obvious as the "desu" some authors plant at the end of a sentence, but it really helps if something changes based on who's talking. It also helps break the feeling that you're reading someone tell you a story instead of reading a story.Another thing to remember is that events in reality have a pace to them. It can be easy to write paragraphs about the thought process in the moment, and maybe that's how it actually happened in their head, but readers either lack the speed of thought or the IRL influence forcing their attention so it draws ******* out of a situation. If the situation is easy or doesn't require their attention, that makes sense, but if it's a desperate or intense situation it can disconnect the reader from the story. Basically, try to keep the intensity of the reader's experience the same as what's going through the MC's head.
