Losing My Emotions and Desires While Facing Death, the Whole Capital Weeps at My Grave

Novel Info

Author:
鹿畫
Status:Ongoing

Summary

Xue Ning, the fifth daughter of the prestigious Xue family, endures a lifetime of neglect and abuse in favor of her adopted cousin, Xue Mingzhu. The family believes Xue Ning is a jinx responsible for the death of their beloved third brother, who drowned while attempting to save her from a lake a decade prior. Since that incident, Xue Mingzhu, who was injured while trying to save the third brother, has received all the family's affection, while Xue Ning is treated as an outcast within her own home. Her brothers, Xue Yan and Xue Yulang, consistently side with Xue Mingzhu, dismissing Xue Ning's pleas and punishing her for perceived slights.

The story begins at a banquet hosted by Princess Huayang, where a maid falls into the water due to Xue Mingzhu's negligence. To protect the cousin, the Princess forces Xue Ning to take the blame and drink a cup of wine laced with Qingsigu, a rare and lethal poison. Xue Ning warns her brothers that the wine is poisoned, but they refuse to believe her, prioritizing the Princess's favor and Xue Mingzhu's safety over their sister's life. They force the poison down her throat and abandon her at the estate, leaving her to suffer alone as the toxin begins to strip her of her emotions and shorten her lifespan to approximately one year.

After collapsing in the scorching heat, Xue Ning is rescued by Feng Xian, the deposed Crown Prince, a feared figure in the capital known for his ruthlessness. While being escorted home in his carriage, Xue Ning witnesses her brothers doting on Xue Mingzhu on the street, completely unaware of her plight. This sight solidifies her resolve to sever all emotional ties with her family. Upon returning to the Xue estate, she coldly rejects their accusations and demands the return of all gifts she had ever given them, symbolizing her decision to no longer seek their approval or love.

Xue Ning retreats to the family's Buddhist hall, surrendering her courtyard to Xue Mingzhu so the cousin can practice the guqin for an upcoming palace examination. Her mother, Madam Wen, initially offers a moment of warmth but ultimately manipulates Xue Ning into compliance, revealing that her concern is merely for family harmony and Xue Mingzhu's success. Heartbroken but numb, Xue Ning accepts her fate, realizing she will never be valued as a daughter or sister. She dedicates her remaining time to settling her affairs, including purchasing a burial plot and preparing for her eventual death, while also attempting to help her only true friend, County Princess Xie An, who is being mistreated by her in-laws.

As the narrative progresses, Xue Ning's detachment confuses and unsettles her family. Her brothers, particularly Xue Yan and Xue Yulang, begin to notice her changed behavior and feel a strange sense of loss, though they attribute it to stubbornness rather than genuine estrangement. Xue Yan attempts to reconcile by claiming credit for Xue Ning's exceptional embroidery skills, hoping to use her talent for family gain, but Xue Ning refuses to be manipulated. Meanwhile, Xue Mingzhu grows increasingly anxious, fearing that Xue Ning's growing reputation as the legendary embroiderer "Gusu Cixiu Wushuang" threatens her own status. The story follows Xue Ning's journey from a desperate seeker of familial love to a detached individual preparing for death, while her family begins to confront the consequences of their长期 abuse and favoritism.

Novel Items

Qingsigu

Poison

A legendary and peerless poison. The victim does not die immediately but gradually loses their seven emotions and six desires, becoming a cold, emotionless puppet by the time they die. Xue Ning was forced to drink wine laced with this poison and has less than a year to live.

108 Sandalwood Prayer Beads

Treasure

A string of 108 sandalwood prayer beads that Xue Ning meticulously crafted. She selected the finest sinking incense, polished it, carved Buddhist scriptures onto each bead over countless days and nights, and had them blessed at Tianguang Si. They were originally meant to protect the eldest young master during his official duties, but she gave them to Feng Xian as gratitude for saving her life.

Zither String

Weapon

String from Yang Jun's yaoqin, used to strangle him while he was playing in the qin hall. The string was snapped and remained at the crime scene.

Qidu Zatan Lu / Qidu Yilu

Medical Book

A medical text that Xue Ning went to great lengths to find in the past to please her second brother Xue Yulang, and later gifted to him. It contains entries on various poisons including Qingsigu. Xue Ning retrieves this book from Xue Yulang's study where it was being used to prop up a table leg, and is relieved it had not been thrown away.

Linglong Jiu Zhen / Exquisite Moxibustion Needles

Treasure

Exquisite silver acupuncture needles that are rumored to be priceless treasures among the people. They are unparalleled in the world, crafted by a reclusive master in exchange for a year's supply of fine wine that Xue Ning brewed specifically to cater to Xue Yulang's preferences. The wine was so precious it couldn't be exchanged for a thousand pieces of gold. These needles serve as a source of pride for Xue Yulang's reputation as a divine physician. Xue Ning retrieves them from a brocade pouch.

Clay Figurine

Item

A clay figurine gifted to Su Yao by Lu Chuyao, hidden in a secret compartment in her dressing table. Su Yao fears Lu Huaijin may have discovered it.

Latest Release

Date	Group	Release
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c20
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c19
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c18
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c17
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c16
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c15
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c14
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c13
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c12
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c11
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c10
2026-08-11	shanghai fantasy	c9

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Popular reviews

Yogulnextdoor Review ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ March 15,2025

I need to talk about Xue Yan because my heart is literally breaking for him and also I want to shake him simultaneously. The line that destroyed me: "Xue Ning, do you truly no longer acknowledge me as your elder brother?" Think about the weight of that question. This is a man who spent his whole life taking Xue Ning for granted—her admiration, her loyalty, her willingness to do anything for the family—assuming it would always be there. And the moment she draws a boundary? He's genuinely devastated. Not because he realizes he wronged her, but because his world just shifted and he doesn't know how to navigate it. The flashback to her childhood is what really got me. Her eyes bright and full of hopeful admiration, calling him "Eldest Brother." That image contrasted with her current cold silence is absolutely devastating. She used to look at him like he was her whole world, and now? She won't even look at him. But here's what I can't stop thinking about—Xue Ning's exhaustion. She didn't argue. She didn't cry. She just... performed a curtsy and said she'd take her leave. The words had already been spoken. She'd already told him no. And he still didn't believe her until it was too late. That's not just plot—it's emotional devastation wrapped in silk. And then there's Xie An. Two women, both confined by the men in their lives, finding solace in each other. "Rather, you look thinner. Have you been mistreated in the Xue family during this time?" Xie An, who is herself imprisoned, still worries about Xue Ning. That's the kind of friendship that makes me want to scream. Female solidarity in a world that keeps trying to pit them against each other. I'm not crying, you're crying.

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AppleGrass Review ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ December 24,2025

The dialogue in this section is absolutely lethal. Let me just... pick a few moments because I can't contain myself. Xue Mingzhu: "Father, it's getting late. Shouldn't we wait for Ningning to leave together?" On the surface: sweet daughter concerned about family. Under the surface: a snake whispering poison. The fact that she says this AFTER the family has been publicly humiliated and Xue Ning has already been stripped of the screen? That's not kindness—that's cruelty dressed in courtesy. And the author lets us read between the lines without ever stating it outright. That's skilled writing. Xue Youdao: "She is so capable, she probably doesn't need the Xue family's carriage. If she prefers to walk, let her walk back alone." Oof. That line is so layered. It's petty, it's angry, it's also deeply revealing of a father who only values his daughter when she's useful to him. The moment she proves she doesn't need them? He tries to make her needlessness into a punishment. Classic abuser logic, and the author doesn't need to label it—we see it. Xue Yan: "Xue Ning, do you truly no longer acknowledge me as your elder brother?" This is the line that haunts me. It's not angry. It's not demanding. It's genuinely confused, almost childlike in its vulnerability. After everything he's done, he's asking for acknowledgment like it's a favor he's entitled to. And Xue Ning's response—silence—is the most powerful dialogue choice in the entire passage. And Xie An's self-deprecating laugh: "But he worries too much. With my Xie family now in decline, who would stand up for me?" The way she laughs while saying something so devastating—that's character voice at its finest. We hear her resilience AND her exhaustion in one sentence.

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KiraNekoArt Review ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ July 9,2025

I need to talk about Xue Zhaofei's dialogue because wow. The way he speaks is so distinctly HIM — entitled, self-righteous, and completely convinced of his own moral superiority. Listen to this gem: "I don't want to be too close to you outside—what's wrong with that? Since you're my sister, you should want what's best for me and consider my feelings." HE is the one who's being selfish. HE is the one cutting ties. But no, apparently Xue Ning is the problem for being upset about it. The gaslighting is so natural it's almost impressive. And the author gives each character such a distinct voice — you could tell who was speaking without any tags. Xue Mingzhu's dialogue is another masterclass. Every line she says is calculated to sound gentle and forgiving while actually being the most manipulative thing possible. "Don't blame Ningning. I'm not angry. Let's just say it was my fault." Who talks like that in a real argument? Nobody. That's a line written for an audience — and the audience is Xue Zhaofei and the rest of the family, all of whom eat it up. But the line that lives in my head now, the one I can't stop replaying, is Xue Zhaofei telling his own sister: "from now on, if you ever send me anything, don't say it's from you. Say it's from cousin. After all, your reputation is tarnished, and I need to build good relationships with future colleagues." Future colleagues. He's treating his sister like a liability on his professional resume. And the worst part? He says it with a straight face. No drama, no anger even — just practical, calm cruelty. That's what makes it so much worse than if he'd shouted. This wasn't a moment of losing temper. This was calculated. This was him thinking about it and deciding she wasn't worth the association.

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thewailingcalls Review ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ October 1,2025

There's this one scene that I keep coming back to and it's not even the most dramatic moment in the chapter but it HURTS the most. Xue Ning returns to Xiyan Yuan and finds that her swing — the one she loved most, the one beside the courtyard — has been dismantled. All the evening glories have been dug up. In their place, Madam Wen is personally instructing gardeners to plant peonies. Let that sink in. The mother who never apologized, never acknowledged her, is now in HER courtyard, replacing HER flowers with flowers that suit someone else's feng shui. And Xue Mingzhu's excuse? Evening glories bloom only for one night before withering — not auspicious. Peonies symbolize wealth and prosperity. So the mother literally cannot stand the thought of her daughter's unlucky flowers existing in a space that now belongs to the favored cousin. The visual of Xue Ning standing there, expressionless, watching this happen, while Xue Mingzhu hides behind Madam Wen's sleeve like a guilty child — it's so cinematic. You can see the whole thing like a film frame. The gardeners moving around, the uprooted flowers on the ground, the new peony seedlings waiting to be planted. And Xue Ning just... watches. She doesn't cry. She doesn't yell. She just looks at her mother and says "Mother." Two words that carry the weight of an entire lifetime of being second. The contrast between the two flowers is basically the entire theme of this story in botanical form. One night beauty versus eternal prosperity. The overlooked versus the celebrated. Xue Ning versus Xue Mingzhu. It's devastating how much the author does with just a garden scene.

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Daoist7bUC0E Review ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ July 24,2025

Okay so let me just say—this screen. That embroidered screen. It's basically the MacGuffin of the entire Xue family drama and the moment it got yanked away from them? Chef's kiss. Absolutely perfect. Xue Yan thought he could manipulate Xue Ning into gifting it as a birthday present for the family. Classic move. And Xue Ning? She just... didn't. She gave it to someone else entirely—Old Madam Jiang's carriage, the County Princess's connection—and walked away clean. The fact that she'd already told her brother no and he still didn't believe her? That's the kind of dramatic irony that makes you want to throw the book across the room. But here's what really got me—the aftermath. The Xue family slipping away from Ningyuan Houfu in disgrace while Xue Mingzhu is there adding fuel with her fake sweetness. "Father, it's getting late. Shouldn't we wait for Ningning?" Oh, the audacity. And Xue Youdao's response—"let her walk back alone"—is peak toxic father energy. He's so furious he'd rather humiliate her publicly than admit his son lied to her. Then the twist that hit me like a truck: she didn't walk home alone. Old Madam Jiang had a carriage waiting. The Xue family imagined her shamed and vulnerable, and instead she rolls up in someone else's luxury. That scene transition from their furious expectations to her calm return? Impeccable. And then—plot within a plot—Xie An. Confined by General Lu Yuan, using her title as the only shield she has left. "I won't let him truly bully me into submission." This woman is not going down without a fight, and I am HERE for it. The story is layering alliances and threats like a proper chess game, and honestly? I can't look away.

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AH_15 Review ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ June 18,2025

The worldbuilding in this novel is so vivid and atmospheric. Let me just start with the opening scene—the Princess Huayang's estate, with its waterside pavilions and galleries. The author paints this picture of oppressive luxury, where the air itself feels suffocating under the Princess's command. And the scorching sun! The contrast between the hot green bricks burning Xue Ning's knees and the cold poison spreading through her veins? That's sensory writing at its finest. Then there's Jingdu itself—the bustling city streets, the horse galloping recklessly, the shop where Xue Mingzhu is browsing trinkets. The author gives us this full picture of a capital city with carved beams and painted rafters, noble daughters whispering at banquets, stables outside estates. It feels alive and real. But what really stands out is how the settings reflect the emotional states. The Princess's estate is all oppressive grandeur. The street scene where Feng Xian saves Xue Ning is chaotic and dangerous—a horse about to trample them, blood spraying from the rider's neck. And then there's Xue Zhai, the family mansion, where the gatekeeper asks where the fifth young lady is, as if she's invisible. The visual imagery is consistently strong. Feng Xian in black robes, his pale wrists, the zither string wrapped around his hand with blood dripping from it—that's a scene that feels like a movie frame. I can literally see it. The author knows how to use setting and description to create atmosphere without over-explaining.

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