There are quite a few issues with this story. First and foremost is how absolutely slowly it moves. By chapter 20, the story has barely even begun, and it took about 11 chapters to reach what should have essentially been the first. This feels like a result of you going into extreme detail about backstory and world building before even giving the reader a chance to care about your characters. These are things that should have been introduced gradually, and less forcefully, as the story progressed, not all at once at the beginning.
You also have a tendency to over explain things a lot. This not only takes up 200+% more words than you need to, it gets very tiring to read.
The grammar is okay, but not great. You use "!!!!" and "???" and chatroom-like syntax, and it makes your story come off as if written by an overly excited teenage girl (which may be the case, I don't know).
Your dialogue tends to be heavy eye-roll material as you often use it for exposition, making your characters come off as robotic and unrealistic. Backstory should not be forced into dialogue. It kills a story. And you've done that /a lot/ in yours, and right from the start as well.
You've got a few interesting ideas and some potential, but the way you write seriously needs an overhaul. Spend a little time reading better written works, see how they do things and try to reach where you are at Ch20 in 2-4 chapters instead.
Good luck.
